April in the past has been a month of planning and preparation. The big day looming - whether the weather would be good - what would happen if it rained - what if no one comes? This last few years have frankly been a pile of poo (mild and edited version) as the guest of honour has been absent for what feels like an eternity. Celebrating/ reminiscing feels impossible without the guest of honour. I spent the day very busy to try and keep occupied. That was a mistake because I then spent the evening thinking. I have wonderful memories of Matthew but they don't replace the desire for him to be here. Last year I wrote a tribute post, this year that seems impossible I don't feel like celebrating I want to sand in the middle of a field and scream at the top of my voice until there is no voice left, but unfortunately that will not help either. There are some better days and I have some people in my life who are truly amazing. But this prison is dark and lonely at times. It is and has been for a while a really struggle to try and stay strong.
Here is one of my favourite pictures - the very last one that we had taken. Strangely in the city where it all began - Portsmouth. So then a week before Matthew died we went back to the beginning 10 years on, and had our last dance.....
All things may fade but love lasts forever
