Sleepless In Birmingham!

Not quite the same ring to it as 'Sleepless in Seattle', but hey this is the second night of being awake. Yesterday I spent the night trying to get to sleep - I was still awake at 5.30am!

I tried reading a book and the story scared me lots.

Lots of random thoughts seemed to pop into my head:

• Ooh I need to take my coat to the drycleaners, that red wine will have stained.
• What will I do if its stained?
• I hope there wasn't too much chilli in the dinner for grandad, I hope he is ok
• I wonder whether I should have poured water on the fire before I came up.
• Um should I go and check it?
• What course should I study at uni?
• Where should I study?
• Should I have eaten that cake before I came to bed
• I wonder what is happening in the cricket
• I hope mum and dad were ok with dinner being so late
• I wonder whether mum is watching the cricket
• I hope Hannah is feeling better
• What will I do if the laptop blows up before I get the photos off it?
• What is Dave can't save the laptop files?
• What is that noise?
• Why is it so cold in here?
• I could really eat a kebab
• Shall I read some more? maybe not I got scared earlier
• Why can I not get to sleep?

Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cakes consumed - Many, Calories 1775, Pounds gained 2, Pounds gained but then lost 2, Instances of getting stuck in clothes 2.

Bridget Jones Moment!

We live in an ever changing world where less is meant to be more, but in reality more is actually less! We get more things to make us happy. We constantly wonder whether we are good enough, will people like us? Do I look fat in this? We can't go out without looking good - who dictates what looks good?!!

Are we ever truly happy in our own skin?

We constantly compare ourselves to those around us and obviously we are not as good. We could never look as nice, we could never be that successful, we could never be that happy, we could never be ...........

Why do we put ourselves through it?

Over the last week as I have been resting and having a think about what and where next I have been struck by some of this. Still no idea what to do and increasingly feeling that maybe I won't make the grade, may be I won't be as good.

You get used to the old way and I am stepping into the unknown. Someone will have been there before, they will have done things their way, but what if you just don't compare, or meet expectations - what then? I have not been in this position for a very long time - its all new and it was different then.

Donald talked about a fear of doors last night - the fear of whether to knock, whether to wait, what will greet you on the other side. I feel a bit like that. But my problem is not doors it is the fear of not measuring up.

Is it worth the stress and hurt that we put ourselves through?

Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cake eaten lots, Calories 2129, Pounds gained 2.

Plans for my 31st year!

Well I have been 30 for a few days now and to be honest it doesn't feel any different. I feel a little sad that I am no longer in my 20's. I also feel sad that Matt was right when he joked that I would catch him up soon!

The 20's ended with me being ill and the 30's began with me being ill!!!

I know I don't feel any different now I am 30 but things are going to change. Important decisions need making. Yet again, life will never be the same again....

In the next few weeks and months I need to decide - what next? That sounds simple written down - but its not - its life changing.

It's about a new job, possibly a new career, maybe retraining - A few ideas but no fixed plan - maybe a holiday - maybe traveling. I've no idea and that is exciting and scary all at the same time.


But I know one thing in some ways its freeing but in others a lonely place - no expectations, no hopes, no dream. So thats another thing - working out what my hopes and dreams are!


So then plans thus far:

1. Get well
2. Do handover at work - then I have left
   
3. Eat 3 meals a day
4. Gain 1 1/2 stone
5. Sort out remaining paperwork
6. Sort out the house
7. Have some thinking space
8. Have a holiday
9. Do something amazing!
10. Who knows whats next?

Life's full of change, I just hope good comes out of difficult and painful!

Nearly 30 aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Well in the next week I will be thirty. I thought I was ok with this but last week I freaked out a bit about it. 30 is a land mark - it is no longer 'in your twenties' it signifies something different. Am I ready to be 30 I ask myself - maybe not.

I find myself looking back at what I have done over the last 30 years - the best bits, the worst bits, and the run of the mill bits.

Best Bits:
Getting Married to Matt
Being part of a big family
Being a youth worker
Being in a youth group

Worst Bits:
Don't need to write anymore - you already know!


I have done a lot of things in the past 30 years - can't remember some (see last blog entry!) - here are some of the amusing things that have happened to me - ooh there are so many more than I have listed:

Years:
2) ran away with the boy down the road and walked hand in hand under a herd of cows!!
3) undid side of playpen and escaped
4) got a slide for Christmas and tried to drag it upstairs to show my mum.

skipping a few years.......
9) Elastic snapped in tracksuit bottoms just as I was answering the front door - trousers ended up round ankles!
10) Went to school with swimming costume under uniform for swimming and left my knickers at home!!!
13) First kiss - boy goes to kiss me and I pushed him out of the way, ran in the bathroom and threw up!! (I had previously eaten peanut butter)
15) Helped some Russian children with their English (yes they now have Chorley accents).
17) Horrid shower incident on youth camp!!!! (no more can be said)
19) Got stuck in a toilet cubicle at Uni and then a man tried to help me - and then there was me and a man stuck in a toilet cubicle!!
20) Did the Fancy dress for the uni ball - only 4 of us dressed up!!!
22) Had to be cut out of an item of clothing in a shop!!!
27) Laughed so much I wet myself!
29) Fell into the boot of my car!


Wonder what 30 will bring?

Mind Games!

Something that is driving me nuts at the moment.....

I have large holes in my memory. I can remember things now from when I was a child and a teenager, that I could not remember 2 years ago. But I can't remember things from the last 7 years. I try to piece things together by looking at photos and talking to people but its like having a 10,000 piece jigsaw with the outline done and all the middle missing.

Its strange really - there are things that I could do that I now can't, or can't remember how to - cooking is hilarious. I could cook well but over the last year and a half, nothing is ready in order, I burn things, I forget they are in the oven and generally the things I make are inedible!!! I could not remember how to light my fire, or that you don't wash George Foreman grills under running water!!! At work we were talking about activities we did last summer on our summer scheme - I had to ask whether I worked last summer!! Oh I was there I just don't remember. I saw some photos of one of the activities and it took a while to think I really was there.

I also say or do things and then realise that what I said or did was really clumsy, stupid and/ or funny. My brain does not seem to engage first, like it did - so have had some hilarious times. I fell into an archive box at work (they are pretty small), I fell into the boot of my car (legs dangling and everything), I called a lip brush a crisp, I picked up a Pyrex dish straight from the oven (not noticing it was hot for quite some time!!!!)

Although it is funny, it is very frustrating, cause although I am generally a bit scatty, this is insane even by my standards. It seems that my mind has compartmentalised parts of my life, anything traumatic or associated with it has been moved to a safe place (like when you think I will put those keys in a safe place so I can find them - but then you can't remember where the safe place is).

So is my mind playing games! Or just preserving itself for filing later!

Mood Music!!

Well I was chatting to a colleague yesterday who's mood and energy levels are definitely linked to the weather. When it is dull and rainy she moves more slowly and is more lethargic, and when it is sunny she bounces around like Tigger.

I am not sure whether my own moods are triggered by the weather - I know they are linked to food and sleep and if I am in need of both I get very grumpy. I have noticed throughout my life that music plays a big part in mood. My mood can be lifted by just one song. Most of you who read this and know me will know that I am definitely not a morning person and can be a little grumpy!! Well when I was at school this was also the case (surprise surprise) - however if 'Walking on Sunshine' was on the radio when the alarm went off I would dive out of bed and be dancing and happy. A few years ago I noticed that 'Hey Ya' had exactly the same effect!! Now I don't think any song would make me want to get out of bed in the cold.

Another funny one is 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by Toploader - this is my washing up song - I used to hate washing up (unless it was a cold day) but this song makes it fun.

I have noticed that if I'm having a rough day and 'Snow Patrol' music is played then I will suddenly not be having a bad day - how weird.

Well these are the strange observations I have noticed over the years!!

One of the things that drives me nuts!

I was shopping in the Bullring here in Birmingham yesterday. It is really great if you are into the whole shopping thing - and even if you are not the building that houses Selfridge's is a site to behold. I had gone to get a few presents. I was surprised to discover that it was very quiet for a Saturday (except Marks and Spencer's!!)

Well I was heading down one of the many escalators in the middle of the building when I discovered something that made me quite angry. What idiot decided to put 'The Bear Factory' (a shop which is generally full of Children) next to 'Ann Summers'? Probably the same idiot who put an ad for 'Mistresses' the new BBC drama on the TV at tea time. Do these people not think that Children may actually see these things!!!

Ooh makes me so annoyed. Children grow up quick enough without being subjected to stuff like that.