Like a broken vase.....

I have been a bit out of sorts this month and a half, it has all made me very tired. Milestone events have come and gone. They creep up on you and you think they will be a major event but as it turns out they are just like every other day - they are always there. At the moment I feel like an expensive vase that has been dropped on the floor and has broken into tiny pieces. Someone is trying to glue it back together as best they can but the cracks still show, except now it just looks like a cheap second. You wouldn't want that vase in the window so everyone could see it, you would put it at the back of the cupboard. I am at the back of the cupboard trying to get out. Maybe I will fall off the shelf again when I try and get out of the cupboard and need glueing back together with even more cracks showing - but I'll never know if I don't try.

Alcohol Units 1, Cigarettes 0, Cheese consumed to much to admit, Calories - not nearly enough, Pounds gained 2, Pounds lost 0, Incidents with Patios 1.

A New Chapter

Well, I haven't blogged for nearly 2 months as I didn't really feel like it after Matt's birthday. However, now that I have something newsworthy to report I thought it was about time.

I am moving to Manchester - there it is, I said it. It is hard to believe that I am moving from a place that Matt and I called home. However my house has not felt like my home since Matt died. I have tried to stick it out and see if things would feel any different, but they don't - I feel like a guest in our home. Somewhere that used to be so amazing is now adding to my misery. I think when you have been somewhere that has been so lovely and then part of it is missing it never is the same. The thing is, it isn't 'our' home anymore - there is no Matt to cook dinner for, there is no Matt coming in asking whether you want a 'brew' or indeed whether you will be making one, life is not the same. While many of you go home to your other halves, your house mates or pets I go home to an empty house where a once larger than life couple used to live.

The thing is memories are not tied to a place or a building and so everything that was will still be with me in my memory and all but a couple of mine and Matt's things will be going with me too (I did not feel socks and boxers were appropriate items to keep!). I am very sad that the fireplace will have to stay, I am still coming to terms with that, but Mum, Dad and Dave are right it belongs in the house. Its not all our things that are the problem it is the building they are housed in. I did think about moving up the road I even saw a nice house, but I would be moving my unhappiness a couple of miles. If I am going to put on any weight, improve my health and not carry on walking round in circles in this thick fog then I need somewhere different - somewhere where I have some friends and some family. I didn't want to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone cause I would isolate myself further than I have already. I will miss family and friends but I will visit lots.

It will be very hard to let our home go, because it was ours, we chose it together, we lived there together, we have memories there together, so in one sense it feels like closing the door on what could have been (if Matt was still here), but I know it will never be. I will never forget Matt, he will always be in my life and hope you never forget him too, I love hearing peoples stories about him and that will always be the case so I hope you will keep talking to me about him cause yes I miss him all the time and those stories make me laugh and cry.

So to the north once again where hopefully the locals will understand my accent unlike some of you southerners (haha). I am scared because this is all unknown, but I can't think about what could go wrong or I would never do anthing. Matt took opportunities and risks by the scruff of the neck and did loads and so I need to do the same.



Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cakes consumed - Mamoth amounts, Calories - not nearly enough, Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost- would scare you, Possible alien abductions 2.

Because You're Special

You may have noticed that today is St. Georges Day, something I have celebrated every year since 1999. Not this year, you will find no flags flying at my house - this year I am on strike. The real reason I usually celebrate St Georges day is because it was Matt's birthday. But you can't celebrate without the guest of honour, its no fun and their is little to celebrate.

But I am going to be brave today, I can't celebrate his birthday - because he is not here. So I dedicate this post to celebrate him and a couple of his many achievements.

Receiving his degree

Playing on Villa Park

Drinking a beer in the pool in Spain

The last photo may not seem like much of an achievement - well it is one of my favourite photos. So I have come up with the achievement. He spent so long trying to get into that dingy that when he did it really was an achievement and the fact that it didn't burst in the process is a miracle.

So this is how I remember him today - drinking a beer and smiling, if we could have got a curry into the dingy he would have been smiling even more. So if you know Matt and are having a beer today just remember him and thing of a fun memory.

PS. Yes it is sunny and no it won't rain x

Mind Games 2!

At the weekend I bought Trivial Pursuit. I used to love this game and thought that the 90's part of it would mean I would be able to answer at least some of the questions. I was wrong!! Lee had all of the wedges and was back at the centre and I had just one!!

Throughout the game I thought I knew the answers but they were just out of reach. Now either I originally did have the knowledge but with my memory loss it has all gone, or I never knew anything. I really hope it isn't the latter!! But I can't remember!

I am feeling pretty stupid at the moment. I can't remember how to cook properly either so maybe it is linked! I found that I would be desperately trying to think of the answer but the wrong word would be there that had no relevance to the question!!! I did eventually get all the wedges - but still feeling a bit stupid. I'm wondering how on earth I got a degree!!

I want my memory back - I think it was abducted by Aliens!!

Alcohol Units: 0, Cigarettes: 0, Chocolate cakes consumed: Not as Many, Calories: Not nearly enough, Pounds gained: 4, Pounds gained but then lost: 2, Incidents of Stupidity: At least 3.

Sleepless In Birmingham!

Not quite the same ring to it as 'Sleepless in Seattle', but hey this is the second night of being awake. Yesterday I spent the night trying to get to sleep - I was still awake at 5.30am!

I tried reading a book and the story scared me lots.

Lots of random thoughts seemed to pop into my head:

• Ooh I need to take my coat to the drycleaners, that red wine will have stained.
• What will I do if its stained?
• I hope there wasn't too much chilli in the dinner for grandad, I hope he is ok
• I wonder whether I should have poured water on the fire before I came up.
• Um should I go and check it?
• What course should I study at uni?
• Where should I study?
• Should I have eaten that cake before I came to bed
• I wonder what is happening in the cricket
• I hope mum and dad were ok with dinner being so late
• I wonder whether mum is watching the cricket
• I hope Hannah is feeling better
• What will I do if the laptop blows up before I get the photos off it?
• What is Dave can't save the laptop files?
• What is that noise?
• Why is it so cold in here?
• I could really eat a kebab
• Shall I read some more? maybe not I got scared earlier
• Why can I not get to sleep?

Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cakes consumed - Many, Calories 1775, Pounds gained 2, Pounds gained but then lost 2, Instances of getting stuck in clothes 2.

Bridget Jones Moment!

We live in an ever changing world where less is meant to be more, but in reality more is actually less! We get more things to make us happy. We constantly wonder whether we are good enough, will people like us? Do I look fat in this? We can't go out without looking good - who dictates what looks good?!!

Are we ever truly happy in our own skin?

We constantly compare ourselves to those around us and obviously we are not as good. We could never look as nice, we could never be that successful, we could never be that happy, we could never be ...........

Why do we put ourselves through it?

Over the last week as I have been resting and having a think about what and where next I have been struck by some of this. Still no idea what to do and increasingly feeling that maybe I won't make the grade, may be I won't be as good.

You get used to the old way and I am stepping into the unknown. Someone will have been there before, they will have done things their way, but what if you just don't compare, or meet expectations - what then? I have not been in this position for a very long time - its all new and it was different then.

Donald talked about a fear of doors last night - the fear of whether to knock, whether to wait, what will greet you on the other side. I feel a bit like that. But my problem is not doors it is the fear of not measuring up.

Is it worth the stress and hurt that we put ourselves through?

Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cake eaten lots, Calories 2129, Pounds gained 2.

Plans for my 31st year!

Well I have been 30 for a few days now and to be honest it doesn't feel any different. I feel a little sad that I am no longer in my 20's. I also feel sad that Matt was right when he joked that I would catch him up soon!

The 20's ended with me being ill and the 30's began with me being ill!!!

I know I don't feel any different now I am 30 but things are going to change. Important decisions need making. Yet again, life will never be the same again....

In the next few weeks and months I need to decide - what next? That sounds simple written down - but its not - its life changing.

It's about a new job, possibly a new career, maybe retraining - A few ideas but no fixed plan - maybe a holiday - maybe traveling. I've no idea and that is exciting and scary all at the same time.


But I know one thing in some ways its freeing but in others a lonely place - no expectations, no hopes, no dream. So thats another thing - working out what my hopes and dreams are!


So then plans thus far:

1. Get well
2. Do handover at work - then I have left
   
3. Eat 3 meals a day
4. Gain 1 1/2 stone
5. Sort out remaining paperwork
6. Sort out the house
7. Have some thinking space
8. Have a holiday
9. Do something amazing!
10. Who knows whats next?

Life's full of change, I just hope good comes out of difficult and painful!