April

I am very late in posting this, I have been trying to write this post since the middle of April and it never seems to be right. I have never been late with Matt's birthday before.

April in the past has been a month of planning and preparation. The big day looming - whether the weather would be good - what would happen if it rained - what if no one comes? This last few years have frankly been a pile of poo (mild and edited version) as the guest of honour has been absent for what feels like an eternity. Celebrating/ reminiscing feels impossible without the guest of honour. I spent the day very busy to try and keep occupied. That was a mistake because I then spent the evening thinking. I have wonderful memories of Matthew but they don't replace the desire for him to be here. Last year I wrote a tribute post, this year that seems impossible I don't feel like celebrating I want to sand in the middle of a field and scream at the top of my voice until there is no voice left, but unfortunately that will not help either. There are some better days and I have some people in my life who are truly amazing. But this prison is dark and lonely at times. It is and has been for a while a really struggle to try and stay strong.

Here is one of my favourite pictures - the very last one that we had taken. Strangely in the city where it all began - Portsmouth. So then a week before Matthew died we went back to the beginning 10 years on, and had our last dance.....




All things may fade but love lasts forever

New Year - New ideas!

Happy New Year!

So last year saw me write my blog with Bridget Jones features. This year I thought that every post should have a food item and possibly TV and book reviews too, who knows where it all could lead.

But first of all my New Years resolutions:

1. Find a Church
2. Gain at least half a stone (could actually do with a stone)
3. Finish knitting my bear
4. Visit the cinema at least once a month

So yesterday I tried a new recipe - yes shock horror I didn't have bolognese!!! It may not seem an exciting dinner to most of you but it is something I have not been able to have for a very long time (nut allergy does not really allow you to have packet food). I made Crunchy Garlic Chicken, it is like having Chicken Kievs - it was amazing, and very easy to do. The recipe did say to buy the garlic butter, I obviously made my own.

Food Review:-
Crunchy Garlic Chicken ****
Veggie Pasta ***
Bacon and Tomato Sauce on Jacket Potatoes ****
Lamb and Vegetables **
Cheese, Onion and Sweetcorn on Toast ***

TV Review:-
Above Suspicion **
Cold Case S1 ****
Messiah S1-4 ****
CSI ***
Fringe ****

Looking back on 2008

Well as we approach Christmas I thought I would take some time out and look back over the last year, and considering everything it has been better than last year and in some ways worse.

In February I turned 30 and looked at a plan of action for the year and this was it:

1. Get well
2. Do handover at work - then I have left
3. Eat 3 meals a day
4. Gain 1 1/2 stone
5. Sort out remaining paperwork
6. Sort out the house
7. Have some thinking space
8. Have a holiday
9. Do something amazing!
10. Who knows whats next?

Well lets have a look how I did....

1. Yes a lot better
2. Yes and I did leave work
3. Yes and some days 4!!!
4. X no I have not gained a stone and a half - I don't think I have gained any, although apparently I am looking more healthy :-)
5. Paper work is done although now I have a whole heap more to do.
6. In a manner of speaking - I now have 2 houses to sort mmmm
7. Not sure about this one - I must have done cause I decided to move to Manchester
8. Yes Northumbria was wonderful I would like to go again
9. Not sure about this - although I did manage to get an amazing job at a bible college
10. Indeed.

Well not bad really. I managed to get somewhere. So what has happened in a nut shell:

1. Although ill - a great birthday
2. I was on the radio
3. Got involved in radio as a volunteer
4. Decided to move up North
5. Got a new addition to the Reindeer family
6. I turned 30
   
7. Mum turned 60
8. Grandad turned 90
9. Alan and Jenny got married
10. Martin and Lou got married
11. Lydie and Danny got engaged
    
12. Dom and Claire got engaged
13. Went on holiday to Northumbria
14. Went to the Lakes with Mum and Dad
    
15. Moved up North
16. Got a new job
17. Been to the cinema quite a bit
18. Made hundreds of Christmas cards
    
19. Made some more friends
20. Got reacquainted with some old friends.

And here we are at Christmas!


Alcohol Units 2, Cigarettes 0, Cake consumed lots, Calories -lots , Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost 0, Goldfish gained 6!

Sadness V's Anger

I find myself today being taken back to another time and another place. You think you are doing OK and something comes around. You don't see it coming cause its in your blind spot and then you are hurting all over again, not just for yourself but for other people too. What I am referring to is yet another horrendous collision on the M6 last night, and yet again a sleepy lorry driver has been arrested. People have died, children have died - a family. It makes me sick to my stomach, to think that they won't grow up that they will not be here as a family together. The worst thing is that they could not be identified, the trauma being suffered by the emergency services who were on scene, must be enormous. I feel heart broken for them, and for the people who will eventually have to identify them, for the rest of their family and friends. But also note there were 2 other accidents on the M6 last night - people died in those too, and there were others on other roads. I cried a lot today.

Why is this still happening!
Why are laws not being changed!
How many more people have to die before something changes?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article4983370.ece

Self Esteem!

Self esteem is a funny thing - it is something that I have been pondering over the last few days. I look at my friends, family and acquaintances and so many of them (myself included) say comments like 'I am not good enough', 'I am not as pretty as...', 'I could never do that'. We live in a world where the media dictates what looks good, what is normal and what is successful. The media has got it so wrong.

Everyone of my friends, family and the people I have met have been successful, success is not defined by a job or by how much money you have, success is so much more than that. I look around me and see amazing successes - strength in coming through horrendous times, getting something you have always wanted, living out a dream (however big or small), looking after children, raising money for a cause, being happy and content with what you have. These are all successes and there are so many more.

Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder - who are we to comment on what is pretty. You don't have to be on the front of a magazine to be pretty, you don't have to plaster on make-up to be pretty, or have the latest fashionable look to be pretty. Again the media have got it wrong. We are all beautiful in a way that is unique to us.

We see each other come through some situations and we catch ourselves thinking 'I don't think I could do that'. Well you don't know till you are in the situation. We all have amazing strength that we don't know is there until it is put to the test.

I came to the conclusion after thinking these things that - we need to be ourselves and live life on purpose, we can't let it just happen to us and around us, and we can't waste it.

Alcohol Units 1, Cigarettes 0, Cheese consumed lots, Calories -getting there , Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost 0, hours spent in the Trafford Centre 5!

Like a broken vase.....

I have been a bit out of sorts this month and a half, it has all made me very tired. Milestone events have come and gone. They creep up on you and you think they will be a major event but as it turns out they are just like every other day - they are always there. At the moment I feel like an expensive vase that has been dropped on the floor and has broken into tiny pieces. Someone is trying to glue it back together as best they can but the cracks still show, except now it just looks like a cheap second. You wouldn't want that vase in the window so everyone could see it, you would put it at the back of the cupboard. I am at the back of the cupboard trying to get out. Maybe I will fall off the shelf again when I try and get out of the cupboard and need glueing back together with even more cracks showing - but I'll never know if I don't try.

Alcohol Units 1, Cigarettes 0, Cheese consumed to much to admit, Calories - not nearly enough, Pounds gained 2, Pounds lost 0, Incidents with Patios 1.

A New Chapter

Well, I haven't blogged for nearly 2 months as I didn't really feel like it after Matt's birthday. However, now that I have something newsworthy to report I thought it was about time.

I am moving to Manchester - there it is, I said it. It is hard to believe that I am moving from a place that Matt and I called home. However my house has not felt like my home since Matt died. I have tried to stick it out and see if things would feel any different, but they don't - I feel like a guest in our home. Somewhere that used to be so amazing is now adding to my misery. I think when you have been somewhere that has been so lovely and then part of it is missing it never is the same. The thing is, it isn't 'our' home anymore - there is no Matt to cook dinner for, there is no Matt coming in asking whether you want a 'brew' or indeed whether you will be making one, life is not the same. While many of you go home to your other halves, your house mates or pets I go home to an empty house where a once larger than life couple used to live.

The thing is memories are not tied to a place or a building and so everything that was will still be with me in my memory and all but a couple of mine and Matt's things will be going with me too (I did not feel socks and boxers were appropriate items to keep!). I am very sad that the fireplace will have to stay, I am still coming to terms with that, but Mum, Dad and Dave are right it belongs in the house. Its not all our things that are the problem it is the building they are housed in. I did think about moving up the road I even saw a nice house, but I would be moving my unhappiness a couple of miles. If I am going to put on any weight, improve my health and not carry on walking round in circles in this thick fog then I need somewhere different - somewhere where I have some friends and some family. I didn't want to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone cause I would isolate myself further than I have already. I will miss family and friends but I will visit lots.

It will be very hard to let our home go, because it was ours, we chose it together, we lived there together, we have memories there together, so in one sense it feels like closing the door on what could have been (if Matt was still here), but I know it will never be. I will never forget Matt, he will always be in my life and hope you never forget him too, I love hearing peoples stories about him and that will always be the case so I hope you will keep talking to me about him cause yes I miss him all the time and those stories make me laugh and cry.

So to the north once again where hopefully the locals will understand my accent unlike some of you southerners (haha). I am scared because this is all unknown, but I can't think about what could go wrong or I would never do anthing. Matt took opportunities and risks by the scruff of the neck and did loads and so I need to do the same.



Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cakes consumed - Mamoth amounts, Calories - not nearly enough, Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost- would scare you, Possible alien abductions 2.