Living Authentically

For a long time now I have been pondering how we live - do we let people see who we truly are or do we only let people see what we want them to see?

Who are you? Who are you meant to be?

We live our lives sometimes in a place of being someone we are not - wearing a mask, playing a part like an actor on a stage.

What part are you playing today?

If we are not careful we wear so many different masks that we can't identify ourselves any more.

If we are to live authentically and live 'real' lives surely we are meant to be who we are, mask unveiled. Surely living a life that is real - warts and all is better than acting and less exhausting?

I don't like faux, I like real but that comes at cost, when you are real that means truth and openness, letting people in, letting people see who you truly are - what if they don't like what they see? So letting people see who we truly are means letting them see us at our best and our worst, seeing our successes, our failures, sometimes our embarrassments.

Do we end up being only a proportion of ourselves because we are afraid that people will see all that we are and walk away or is it context driven? Even then - are we ever truly ourselves?

Are we authentic with God or are there parts of us that we try to keep hidden just like we do with other people? If that is the case, do we truly believe that God loves us unconditionally?

If we are not real with friends or with God are we just lying to ourselves? Also if we are trying to be more Christlike shouldn't that entail trying to live authentically?

These are just some of the things I have been pondering (not all at once obviously)!

So the challenge is:

What can we do today to live authentically for God?

In the last 2 Months: Countries Visited 2, Alcohol Units 15, Cigarettes 0, Cake consumed a few, Calories - lots , Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost 3!

Building & Maintaining Relationships

Recently I was driving to Cheadle thinking about how we make friends. I was thinking about this in the context of church and how we build relationships with the wider community.

As a youth worker whether you are based in a faith or non faith context you have a set of National Occupational Standards, a manual for operation if you like. One of these emphasises that we are to build and maintain relationships with young people. As the Youth and Ministry Placement Manager at a Theological College I encourage students and assess them on their ability to do this with both young people and adults.

I was thinking about the operation manual idea and how as a Christian I have the ultimate manual and in my manual there is an emphasis on 'making disciples of all nations' (Matthew 28:19). I don't think this can be done without building and maintaining relationships with people. Jesus himself is relational, He spent time with people, He ate with people, He told stories to explain about His Father - He made disciples.

And that brings me back to the original thought, this is how we reach the wider community!
(I should drive to Cheadle more often :-)

So if we are called to it, and Jesus did it, what are we doing about it??

Food Review:-
Lemon Muffins ****
Shortbread ***
Flapjacks ****
Sausages (not homemade) Off the scale :-)
Lasangna ****
Steak in Mushroon Sauce**

TV Review:-
Glee ***
Identity ***
Castle ****
Lie to me ****

It's That Time of Year Again.....

What's going on? I can't make sense of it,
Life goes on, like it don't mean a thing.
Yesterdays gone, tomorrows not here yet,
Caught in the abyss of today in between.

The sky is blue and everyone's lovin' it,
The sun's out and everyone's using it.
I'm in here, like it doesn't exist,
Blinds closed, shut out, not 'avin any of it.

This ones even worse than the others,
But you're not here just like the others.
I'm all cried out, well at least for this minute,
Numbness has set in, the only reprieve.

Try and keep smiling, put on your mask,
Anythings possible it might just pass.
Who am I kidding, its here to stay,
Batten down the hatches and ride the wave.

I've tried to be positive on all the other ones,
Today its not happ'nin, I'm digging in my heels.
It's not a day to celebrate, cause you're not here,
So no raising a glass or havin' a beer.

All I can do is remember the ones when you were here,
Friends round, barbecues, Magno and beers.
Parties, cakes, sangria and sun,
Smiling and laughing and having fun.

Yes the weathers nice today, I know you would have worried,
It didn't even rain today, you would have been encouraged.
I wish you could be here, I miss you very much,
Birthdays are not the same, if the guest of honours not here.

So I can't bring myself to raise a glass, I'll let Matt say the cheers.....

April

I am very late in posting this, I have been trying to write this post since the middle of April and it never seems to be right. I have never been late with Matt's birthday before.

April in the past has been a month of planning and preparation. The big day looming - whether the weather would be good - what would happen if it rained - what if no one comes? This last few years have frankly been a pile of poo (mild and edited version) as the guest of honour has been absent for what feels like an eternity. Celebrating/ reminiscing feels impossible without the guest of honour. I spent the day very busy to try and keep occupied. That was a mistake because I then spent the evening thinking. I have wonderful memories of Matthew but they don't replace the desire for him to be here. Last year I wrote a tribute post, this year that seems impossible I don't feel like celebrating I want to sand in the middle of a field and scream at the top of my voice until there is no voice left, but unfortunately that will not help either. There are some better days and I have some people in my life who are truly amazing. But this prison is dark and lonely at times. It is and has been for a while a really struggle to try and stay strong.

Here is one of my favourite pictures - the very last one that we had taken. Strangely in the city where it all began - Portsmouth. So then a week before Matthew died we went back to the beginning 10 years on, and had our last dance.....




All things may fade but love lasts forever

New Year - New ideas!

Happy New Year!

So last year saw me write my blog with Bridget Jones features. This year I thought that every post should have a food item and possibly TV and book reviews too, who knows where it all could lead.

But first of all my New Years resolutions:

1. Find a Church
2. Gain at least half a stone (could actually do with a stone)
3. Finish knitting my bear
4. Visit the cinema at least once a month

So yesterday I tried a new recipe - yes shock horror I didn't have bolognese!!! It may not seem an exciting dinner to most of you but it is something I have not been able to have for a very long time (nut allergy does not really allow you to have packet food). I made Crunchy Garlic Chicken, it is like having Chicken Kievs - it was amazing, and very easy to do. The recipe did say to buy the garlic butter, I obviously made my own.

Food Review:-
Crunchy Garlic Chicken ****
Veggie Pasta ***
Bacon and Tomato Sauce on Jacket Potatoes ****
Lamb and Vegetables **
Cheese, Onion and Sweetcorn on Toast ***

TV Review:-
Above Suspicion **
Cold Case S1 ****
Messiah S1-4 ****
CSI ***
Fringe ****

Looking back on 2008

Well as we approach Christmas I thought I would take some time out and look back over the last year, and considering everything it has been better than last year and in some ways worse.

In February I turned 30 and looked at a plan of action for the year and this was it:

1. Get well
2. Do handover at work - then I have left
3. Eat 3 meals a day
4. Gain 1 1/2 stone
5. Sort out remaining paperwork
6. Sort out the house
7. Have some thinking space
8. Have a holiday
9. Do something amazing!
10. Who knows whats next?

Well lets have a look how I did....

1. Yes a lot better
2. Yes and I did leave work
3. Yes and some days 4!!!
4. X no I have not gained a stone and a half - I don't think I have gained any, although apparently I am looking more healthy :-)
5. Paper work is done although now I have a whole heap more to do.
6. In a manner of speaking - I now have 2 houses to sort mmmm
7. Not sure about this one - I must have done cause I decided to move to Manchester
8. Yes Northumbria was wonderful I would like to go again
9. Not sure about this - although I did manage to get an amazing job at a bible college
10. Indeed.

Well not bad really. I managed to get somewhere. So what has happened in a nut shell:

1. Although ill - a great birthday
2. I was on the radio
3. Got involved in radio as a volunteer
4. Decided to move up North
5. Got a new addition to the Reindeer family
6. I turned 30
   
7. Mum turned 60
8. Grandad turned 90
9. Alan and Jenny got married
10. Martin and Lou got married
11. Lydie and Danny got engaged
    
12. Dom and Claire got engaged
13. Went on holiday to Northumbria
14. Went to the Lakes with Mum and Dad
    
15. Moved up North
16. Got a new job
17. Been to the cinema quite a bit
18. Made hundreds of Christmas cards
    
19. Made some more friends
20. Got reacquainted with some old friends.

And here we are at Christmas!


Alcohol Units 2, Cigarettes 0, Cake consumed lots, Calories -lots , Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost 0, Goldfish gained 6!

Sadness V's Anger

I find myself today being taken back to another time and another place. You think you are doing OK and something comes around. You don't see it coming cause its in your blind spot and then you are hurting all over again, not just for yourself but for other people too. What I am referring to is yet another horrendous collision on the M6 last night, and yet again a sleepy lorry driver has been arrested. People have died, children have died - a family. It makes me sick to my stomach, to think that they won't grow up that they will not be here as a family together. The worst thing is that they could not be identified, the trauma being suffered by the emergency services who were on scene, must be enormous. I feel heart broken for them, and for the people who will eventually have to identify them, for the rest of their family and friends. But also note there were 2 other accidents on the M6 last night - people died in those too, and there were others on other roads. I cried a lot today.

Why is this still happening!
Why are laws not being changed!
How many more people have to die before something changes?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article4983370.ece

Self Esteem!

Self esteem is a funny thing - it is something that I have been pondering over the last few days. I look at my friends, family and acquaintances and so many of them (myself included) say comments like 'I am not good enough', 'I am not as pretty as...', 'I could never do that'. We live in a world where the media dictates what looks good, what is normal and what is successful. The media has got it so wrong.

Everyone of my friends, family and the people I have met have been successful, success is not defined by a job or by how much money you have, success is so much more than that. I look around me and see amazing successes - strength in coming through horrendous times, getting something you have always wanted, living out a dream (however big or small), looking after children, raising money for a cause, being happy and content with what you have. These are all successes and there are so many more.

Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder - who are we to comment on what is pretty. You don't have to be on the front of a magazine to be pretty, you don't have to plaster on make-up to be pretty, or have the latest fashionable look to be pretty. Again the media have got it wrong. We are all beautiful in a way that is unique to us.

We see each other come through some situations and we catch ourselves thinking 'I don't think I could do that'. Well you don't know till you are in the situation. We all have amazing strength that we don't know is there until it is put to the test.

I came to the conclusion after thinking these things that - we need to be ourselves and live life on purpose, we can't let it just happen to us and around us, and we can't waste it.

Alcohol Units 1, Cigarettes 0, Cheese consumed lots, Calories -getting there , Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost 0, hours spent in the Trafford Centre 5!

Like a broken vase.....

I have been a bit out of sorts this month and a half, it has all made me very tired. Milestone events have come and gone. They creep up on you and you think they will be a major event but as it turns out they are just like every other day - they are always there. At the moment I feel like an expensive vase that has been dropped on the floor and has broken into tiny pieces. Someone is trying to glue it back together as best they can but the cracks still show, except now it just looks like a cheap second. You wouldn't want that vase in the window so everyone could see it, you would put it at the back of the cupboard. I am at the back of the cupboard trying to get out. Maybe I will fall off the shelf again when I try and get out of the cupboard and need glueing back together with even more cracks showing - but I'll never know if I don't try.

Alcohol Units 1, Cigarettes 0, Cheese consumed to much to admit, Calories - not nearly enough, Pounds gained 2, Pounds lost 0, Incidents with Patios 1.

A New Chapter

Well, I haven't blogged for nearly 2 months as I didn't really feel like it after Matt's birthday. However, now that I have something newsworthy to report I thought it was about time.

I am moving to Manchester - there it is, I said it. It is hard to believe that I am moving from a place that Matt and I called home. However my house has not felt like my home since Matt died. I have tried to stick it out and see if things would feel any different, but they don't - I feel like a guest in our home. Somewhere that used to be so amazing is now adding to my misery. I think when you have been somewhere that has been so lovely and then part of it is missing it never is the same. The thing is, it isn't 'our' home anymore - there is no Matt to cook dinner for, there is no Matt coming in asking whether you want a 'brew' or indeed whether you will be making one, life is not the same. While many of you go home to your other halves, your house mates or pets I go home to an empty house where a once larger than life couple used to live.

The thing is memories are not tied to a place or a building and so everything that was will still be with me in my memory and all but a couple of mine and Matt's things will be going with me too (I did not feel socks and boxers were appropriate items to keep!). I am very sad that the fireplace will have to stay, I am still coming to terms with that, but Mum, Dad and Dave are right it belongs in the house. Its not all our things that are the problem it is the building they are housed in. I did think about moving up the road I even saw a nice house, but I would be moving my unhappiness a couple of miles. If I am going to put on any weight, improve my health and not carry on walking round in circles in this thick fog then I need somewhere different - somewhere where I have some friends and some family. I didn't want to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone cause I would isolate myself further than I have already. I will miss family and friends but I will visit lots.

It will be very hard to let our home go, because it was ours, we chose it together, we lived there together, we have memories there together, so in one sense it feels like closing the door on what could have been (if Matt was still here), but I know it will never be. I will never forget Matt, he will always be in my life and hope you never forget him too, I love hearing peoples stories about him and that will always be the case so I hope you will keep talking to me about him cause yes I miss him all the time and those stories make me laugh and cry.

So to the north once again where hopefully the locals will understand my accent unlike some of you southerners (haha). I am scared because this is all unknown, but I can't think about what could go wrong or I would never do anthing. Matt took opportunities and risks by the scruff of the neck and did loads and so I need to do the same.



Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cakes consumed - Mamoth amounts, Calories - not nearly enough, Pounds gained 0, Pounds lost- would scare you, Possible alien abductions 2.

Because You're Special

You may have noticed that today is St. Georges Day, something I have celebrated every year since 1999. Not this year, you will find no flags flying at my house - this year I am on strike. The real reason I usually celebrate St Georges day is because it was Matt's birthday. But you can't celebrate without the guest of honour, its no fun and their is little to celebrate.

But I am going to be brave today, I can't celebrate his birthday - because he is not here. So I dedicate this post to celebrate him and a couple of his many achievements.

Receiving his degree

Playing on Villa Park

Drinking a beer in the pool in Spain

The last photo may not seem like much of an achievement - well it is one of my favourite photos. So I have come up with the achievement. He spent so long trying to get into that dingy that when he did it really was an achievement and the fact that it didn't burst in the process is a miracle.

So this is how I remember him today - drinking a beer and smiling, if we could have got a curry into the dingy he would have been smiling even more. So if you know Matt and are having a beer today just remember him and thing of a fun memory.

PS. Yes it is sunny and no it won't rain x

Mind Games 2!

At the weekend I bought Trivial Pursuit. I used to love this game and thought that the 90's part of it would mean I would be able to answer at least some of the questions. I was wrong!! Lee had all of the wedges and was back at the centre and I had just one!!

Throughout the game I thought I knew the answers but they were just out of reach. Now either I originally did have the knowledge but with my memory loss it has all gone, or I never knew anything. I really hope it isn't the latter!! But I can't remember!

I am feeling pretty stupid at the moment. I can't remember how to cook properly either so maybe it is linked! I found that I would be desperately trying to think of the answer but the wrong word would be there that had no relevance to the question!!! I did eventually get all the wedges - but still feeling a bit stupid. I'm wondering how on earth I got a degree!!

I want my memory back - I think it was abducted by Aliens!!

Alcohol Units: 0, Cigarettes: 0, Chocolate cakes consumed: Not as Many, Calories: Not nearly enough, Pounds gained: 4, Pounds gained but then lost: 2, Incidents of Stupidity: At least 3.

Sleepless In Birmingham!

Not quite the same ring to it as 'Sleepless in Seattle', but hey this is the second night of being awake. Yesterday I spent the night trying to get to sleep - I was still awake at 5.30am!

I tried reading a book and the story scared me lots.

Lots of random thoughts seemed to pop into my head:

• Ooh I need to take my coat to the drycleaners, that red wine will have stained.
• What will I do if its stained?
• I hope there wasn't too much chilli in the dinner for grandad, I hope he is ok
• I wonder whether I should have poured water on the fire before I came up.
• Um should I go and check it?
• What course should I study at uni?
• Where should I study?
• Should I have eaten that cake before I came to bed
• I wonder what is happening in the cricket
• I hope mum and dad were ok with dinner being so late
• I wonder whether mum is watching the cricket
• I hope Hannah is feeling better
• What will I do if the laptop blows up before I get the photos off it?
• What is Dave can't save the laptop files?
• What is that noise?
• Why is it so cold in here?
• I could really eat a kebab
• Shall I read some more? maybe not I got scared earlier
• Why can I not get to sleep?

Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cakes consumed - Many, Calories 1775, Pounds gained 2, Pounds gained but then lost 2, Instances of getting stuck in clothes 2.

Bridget Jones Moment!

We live in an ever changing world where less is meant to be more, but in reality more is actually less! We get more things to make us happy. We constantly wonder whether we are good enough, will people like us? Do I look fat in this? We can't go out without looking good - who dictates what looks good?!!

Are we ever truly happy in our own skin?

We constantly compare ourselves to those around us and obviously we are not as good. We could never look as nice, we could never be that successful, we could never be that happy, we could never be ...........

Why do we put ourselves through it?

Over the last week as I have been resting and having a think about what and where next I have been struck by some of this. Still no idea what to do and increasingly feeling that maybe I won't make the grade, may be I won't be as good.

You get used to the old way and I am stepping into the unknown. Someone will have been there before, they will have done things their way, but what if you just don't compare, or meet expectations - what then? I have not been in this position for a very long time - its all new and it was different then.

Donald talked about a fear of doors last night - the fear of whether to knock, whether to wait, what will greet you on the other side. I feel a bit like that. But my problem is not doors it is the fear of not measuring up.

Is it worth the stress and hurt that we put ourselves through?

Alcohol Units 0, Cigarettes 0, Chocolate cake eaten lots, Calories 2129, Pounds gained 2.

Plans for my 31st year!

Well I have been 30 for a few days now and to be honest it doesn't feel any different. I feel a little sad that I am no longer in my 20's. I also feel sad that Matt was right when he joked that I would catch him up soon!

The 20's ended with me being ill and the 30's began with me being ill!!!

I know I don't feel any different now I am 30 but things are going to change. Important decisions need making. Yet again, life will never be the same again....

In the next few weeks and months I need to decide - what next? That sounds simple written down - but its not - its life changing.

It's about a new job, possibly a new career, maybe retraining - A few ideas but no fixed plan - maybe a holiday - maybe traveling. I've no idea and that is exciting and scary all at the same time.


But I know one thing in some ways its freeing but in others a lonely place - no expectations, no hopes, no dream. So thats another thing - working out what my hopes and dreams are!


So then plans thus far:

1. Get well
2. Do handover at work - then I have left
   
3. Eat 3 meals a day
4. Gain 1 1/2 stone
5. Sort out remaining paperwork
6. Sort out the house
7. Have some thinking space
8. Have a holiday
9. Do something amazing!
10. Who knows whats next?

Life's full of change, I just hope good comes out of difficult and painful!

Nearly 30 aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Well in the next week I will be thirty. I thought I was ok with this but last week I freaked out a bit about it. 30 is a land mark - it is no longer 'in your twenties' it signifies something different. Am I ready to be 30 I ask myself - maybe not.

I find myself looking back at what I have done over the last 30 years - the best bits, the worst bits, and the run of the mill bits.

Best Bits:
Getting Married to Matt
Being part of a big family
Being a youth worker
Being in a youth group

Worst Bits:
Don't need to write anymore - you already know!


I have done a lot of things in the past 30 years - can't remember some (see last blog entry!) - here are some of the amusing things that have happened to me - ooh there are so many more than I have listed:

Years:
2) ran away with the boy down the road and walked hand in hand under a herd of cows!!
3) undid side of playpen and escaped
4) got a slide for Christmas and tried to drag it upstairs to show my mum.

skipping a few years.......
9) Elastic snapped in tracksuit bottoms just as I was answering the front door - trousers ended up round ankles!
10) Went to school with swimming costume under uniform for swimming and left my knickers at home!!!
13) First kiss - boy goes to kiss me and I pushed him out of the way, ran in the bathroom and threw up!! (I had previously eaten peanut butter)
15) Helped some Russian children with their English (yes they now have Chorley accents).
17) Horrid shower incident on youth camp!!!! (no more can be said)
19) Got stuck in a toilet cubicle at Uni and then a man tried to help me - and then there was me and a man stuck in a toilet cubicle!!
20) Did the Fancy dress for the uni ball - only 4 of us dressed up!!!
22) Had to be cut out of an item of clothing in a shop!!!
27) Laughed so much I wet myself!
29) Fell into the boot of my car!


Wonder what 30 will bring?

Mind Games!

Something that is driving me nuts at the moment.....

I have large holes in my memory. I can remember things now from when I was a child and a teenager, that I could not remember 2 years ago. But I can't remember things from the last 7 years. I try to piece things together by looking at photos and talking to people but its like having a 10,000 piece jigsaw with the outline done and all the middle missing.

Its strange really - there are things that I could do that I now can't, or can't remember how to - cooking is hilarious. I could cook well but over the last year and a half, nothing is ready in order, I burn things, I forget they are in the oven and generally the things I make are inedible!!! I could not remember how to light my fire, or that you don't wash George Foreman grills under running water!!! At work we were talking about activities we did last summer on our summer scheme - I had to ask whether I worked last summer!! Oh I was there I just don't remember. I saw some photos of one of the activities and it took a while to think I really was there.

I also say or do things and then realise that what I said or did was really clumsy, stupid and/ or funny. My brain does not seem to engage first, like it did - so have had some hilarious times. I fell into an archive box at work (they are pretty small), I fell into the boot of my car (legs dangling and everything), I called a lip brush a crisp, I picked up a Pyrex dish straight from the oven (not noticing it was hot for quite some time!!!!)

Although it is funny, it is very frustrating, cause although I am generally a bit scatty, this is insane even by my standards. It seems that my mind has compartmentalised parts of my life, anything traumatic or associated with it has been moved to a safe place (like when you think I will put those keys in a safe place so I can find them - but then you can't remember where the safe place is).

So is my mind playing games! Or just preserving itself for filing later!

Mood Music!!

Well I was chatting to a colleague yesterday who's mood and energy levels are definitely linked to the weather. When it is dull and rainy she moves more slowly and is more lethargic, and when it is sunny she bounces around like Tigger.

I am not sure whether my own moods are triggered by the weather - I know they are linked to food and sleep and if I am in need of both I get very grumpy. I have noticed throughout my life that music plays a big part in mood. My mood can be lifted by just one song. Most of you who read this and know me will know that I am definitely not a morning person and can be a little grumpy!! Well when I was at school this was also the case (surprise surprise) - however if 'Walking on Sunshine' was on the radio when the alarm went off I would dive out of bed and be dancing and happy. A few years ago I noticed that 'Hey Ya' had exactly the same effect!! Now I don't think any song would make me want to get out of bed in the cold.

Another funny one is 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by Toploader - this is my washing up song - I used to hate washing up (unless it was a cold day) but this song makes it fun.

I have noticed that if I'm having a rough day and 'Snow Patrol' music is played then I will suddenly not be having a bad day - how weird.

Well these are the strange observations I have noticed over the years!!

One of the things that drives me nuts!

I was shopping in the Bullring here in Birmingham yesterday. It is really great if you are into the whole shopping thing - and even if you are not the building that houses Selfridge's is a site to behold. I had gone to get a few presents. I was surprised to discover that it was very quiet for a Saturday (except Marks and Spencer's!!)

Well I was heading down one of the many escalators in the middle of the building when I discovered something that made me quite angry. What idiot decided to put 'The Bear Factory' (a shop which is generally full of Children) next to 'Ann Summers'? Probably the same idiot who put an ad for 'Mistresses' the new BBC drama on the TV at tea time. Do these people not think that Children may actually see these things!!!

Ooh makes me so annoyed. Children grow up quick enough without being subjected to stuff like that.

The Nuts and Bolts

Well New Year, New Blog. I took a leaf out of Mum's book. I saved my old blog so I can read it if I want to but enough now. Well this blog is going to be different. I want to get back to why Matt set one up for me in the first place - kind of. Originally I blogged about the madness of youth work, but I am a different person now so this will be different and probably very random!!